A Year Ago

With Reese's first birthday approaching (NEXT TUESDAY), I decided I would look back at some pictures from a year ago before she was born. I came across this picture and I don't recognize this fat girl. I'm trying to figure out who my family went to the zoo with!

Oh wait...that's me. 38 weeks pregnant. And huge. I would even say enormous. Someone so large, that if they rolled over your phone it would need CPR. But I wouldn't recommend you say any of that.

There are a lot of emotions wrapped around Reese's first birthday next week. A year ago I would have told that girl not to have the baby at 39 weeks. Hold out until 40 weeks and then let them perform the C Section. You can't even begin to imagine what it's like to have a baby in the NICU until it's you. Until it's your baby on the vent. I don't like to think about it, but I know that her birthday is going to bring back those memories. I desperately want this to be a happy time, a celebration of her birthday, but I still worry that I'm going to be thinking about the fact that I sat in the recovery room so excited to hold my baby, not knowing that it would take almost a week before that time came. I'll be thinking about how terrible it must have been for Brian to have to come tell me that I wasn't going to get to see or hold our baby girl. That she couldn't breathe on her own. I'll be thinking "This is the day she went on C-PAP," or "Today is the day that she was vented." I think on the thirtieth I might actually be able to celebrate because that will be the day my baby girl started breathing on her own and was in the clear!

And I also feel like these feelings are a little ridiculous. A little self indulgent. I mean, my baby girl came through her beginning of life struggles. I read about this sweet baby girl named Reese last week. She was born in a coma and went to Heaven. I don't know if it's the fact that our girls' share a name, but it really affected me. This sweet family lost their little Reese. And it just hurts me to think about. Keep them in your prayers as they go through an incredibly difficult time.